I’ve told you that I am going through all things ‘art’ in my life. At this point I’m convinced I have some kind of creative Adhd.
I’m sure I wasn’t always this way. And I think I’m beginning to understand WHY it’s happened, but it’s something that gives me tremendous anxiety now.
In all honesty, I don’t know how people do one thing, and then do it over and over, never moving past it. Not that honing a skill is a bad thing. But in a world of ‘marketing equals continuity’ and having pages and sites that look like chaos says everything about the person and if they are worthy of attention, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be floundering most of the time, unless I find a way to put this in check.
The back story is this…I decided to make a list of all the mediums I am set up to do at any time. It was mostly to keep myself reigned in the next time I’m at the art store. It’s a little disheartening really. This isn’t boasting or bragging at all I ‘have’…it’s more shining a light in the shadow of things I don’t want to see.
The list…
Oil painting
Oil Pastel
Soft Pastel
Acrylic painting, including all fluid sets
watercolor, including watercolor pencils
gouache
ink
calligraphy
charcoal
graphite
colored pencil
marker
intaglio
linoleum printing
resin
sewing
polymer clay
‘mixed media’ (a leftover from the 90’s, stamps and such)
weaving (lap looms)
fabric and ribbon dying (because I make my own colors and pieces for weaving)
embroidery
punch needle
wood carving
laser cutter
photography
digital art
all the brushes and tools needed for each as well as every type of paper
None of this includes my intense love for cooking and decorating. Or my obsession with organizing so that there isn’t chaos in my life, but even that, in it’s own way, can create chaos.
I have never been so close to giving it all to charity and trying to regain a calm and free mind.
But I would still need to create. And that is the problem in the end. It’s who I am. I do it every single day, in some way, with some medium, and when it’s done, it’s served it’s purpose and I move on. I can’t NOT do it, but (as I’ve been reminded over and over) it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just ‘playing’.
Hearing that over and over through the years has left me feeling that my work truly does not have value. I can’t look at it and feel a huge sense of pride. It’s just something I did that could probably be much better. So into a folder, basket, or container it goes.
Kill your darlings as they say in writing. I’m wondering if keeping it somehow makes it precious in my mind. If it could be better, why not just toss it. (The fact that it feels like I’m wasting materials if I just throw it away is beside the point here, but also true.)
There is a huge reality in today’s world that, if you are an artist, you must create the work, then style the work, post the work, create the website, create the store, create the following, then sell the work, then figure a way to ship, create beautiful packaging, then ship the work, and follow up, then do it again every single day.
If you are ancient like me, and doing it alone, it is much more fulfilling to find a moment, make something that feels beautiful in that moment, and then quietly put it in a basket for someone to find after you’re gone.
Not to mention that most of the world thinks creating things that are beautiful is easy, and not ‘real’ work. And more, that the time you took to make it isn’t worth paying for. (‘I can go to Wally World and get a framed poster for $12.99, why would I pay that much for something that doesn’t even come in a frame?!’)
I talk myself in and out of selling my work every single day. I get the courage to jump in, and realize that the rawness of not only having to put everything you are out in front of a very harsh world, but also having to place your intrinsic value in the hands of those people, is not only terrifying, but overwhelming. That, while having very little emotional support as you’re going through it is mostly too much.
So that’s where I’ve been for the past few months. Along with holidays and regular life, I’ve begun to check out of all this more and more. I haven’t given up. We’ll see where it goes.
Wishing you a beautiful spring and a wonderful day.
x0
