Over the past few years art has been trickling out of my life for reasons I can’t really explain. If I’m honest, which I am, brutally, (at least with myself) it’s because there has been a complete absence of both divine inspiration and inner peace.
That’s not to say I haven’t tried. Obviously if you’ve seen my social or this space, you’ve seen flailing attempts to find that spark.
Finally over the past few months I just stopped. I think it wasn’t long after my last post. Probably before. The chaos in my mind had to stop. It’s been constant for years and I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was just time to take stock of it all.
Now, if you know me personally, you know that, much to the dismay of past partners, I am basically full disclosure girl. (I have a cape and everything!) It’s been both my humble truth and a small constant in my mind. If I tell the truth, I don’t have to keep track of it. (To which others would say…”But you don’t have to tell EVERYTHING!NG!!” To which I reply…”I just am who I am.”) So be forewarned…I am thinking very seriously of taking this all up again. I have been through so much of a transformation over the last 5 or 6 years that I went from not recognizing myself at all, to hacking away at all the clouds, sludge and rock that became huge walls, to finally beginning to see some light and truth in myself again.
I don’t know if I’ll actually have the courage, but I’m hopeful.
Much of this was a spiritual journey. That aspect of myself is something I had tucked away to feel safe in relationships with people who weren’t similarly driven. (Ridicule and humiliation are powerful things.) But, in the very cliché sounding “dark night of the soul” it was either find some authenticity, or just be done.
And let me tell you this one tiny thing … if you should happen to be ready to dive into your own. It isn’t liberating. It isn’t relief. It isn’t even empowering. Not for YEARS. In a word. It ain’t fun. And if you’re prone to people pleasing and self loathing, those things seem to grow to monstrous proportions before you even recognize them. And then, when you feel a tiny bit brave, and find that still small voice and you say “hey, all you people that say you love me, I’m trying to be better, I’m trying to be healthy, and I’m trying to grow, can you back me up here?'“ You not only hear crickets, but suddenly you find yourself alone, abandoned and questioning every ounce of your worth.
(Edited to add: this previous paragraph should have been written entirely in the first person. It’s not you…you could fly through self enlightenment on the breezes of butterflies…I didn’t.)
And so it goes as the great Linda Ellerbee used to say. And so it goes.
Now, after what sums up to be about six years of work, culminating in the last 3 or 4 of very deep, very brutal introspection, I have decided that I’m not finished after all. At least not for today, and, I’m going to start forging a path from here. Forgive me if I seem a little beaten and bloodied. I’m still recuperating…Physically, mentally and emotionally, but I wear it happily as the replacement for the “BROKEN” badge I wore for so many years.
Side Note: If you’re here looking for the Disney stuff…there won’t be any more of that. When I created that, I was reaching back to some of the happiest times of my life. Disney was where I realized that creativity was a value despite what my world told me. It was where I realized that adventure was real. But oddly the project killed a lot of my own creativity. I was leeching off of the work of others and I think it was just kind of gross. I loved the community so much. But the company itself isn’t what it used to be and I’m not who I used to be, so I will say this… Walt himself was awesome. He created a magical world that lets you believe anything is possible. I learned so much about him that I began a book. I adored him. (Plus he reminded me of my grandfather…so that’s pretty great!) But I’m really a bit disgusted with what the company has become. From my perspective, finding magic for your family shouldn’t entail saving for a once in a lifetime trip. It shouldn’t put you in debt. It has become nothing but another corporate machine. Maybe it always was, I was just so in love with it all.
This has gotten long and is rambling. I did want to address the Disney group though. I love you guys. Maybe someday if I can figure it out.
So…to end this, in all it’s convoluted wandering. There’s stuff brewing. Art stuff, writing stuff, brutal honest stuff, and lots of hope. I’ll be back to Insta once the art starts again. Until then, this quiet little corner will be here if you ever just want to check in.
Sending so much love…
xo
