Today I went into the forest to collect walnuts to make ink.
The mosquitos have finally relinquished control and I can go out for a few hours without coming back looking like I have chicken pox. I love this time of year!
I’ll post the process somewhere when I do it. Right now they are soaking so I can husk them.
For the past few days I’ve been going through my stacks of art. I honestly can’t believe the amount I’ve made over the past few years. And I have to say, while in the moment I thought it was horrible, most of it isn’t so bad.
I’ve realized over the past year that my militant need to not break the “rules” while I’m learning a medium, mixed with my extreme perfectionism has become painful and debilitating. That coupled with the solitude over the past few years, I’m left mostly paralyzed. (I’m HONESTLY not whining, I’m so over that too. It just is what it is, and it’s time to figure out a way to deal with it.) I rarely feel my work is worthy of even giving away, let alone selling. That’s the perfectionism part I’m not sure how to deal with. I tend to feel that until I learn all there is to know about whatever it is I’m doing, it’s still ‘student” work.
Being away from social media…from constant comparison… has been a godsend. It also made me remember why I started this art journey so many years ago. The freedom to be authentic.
And with that came the realization that there isn’t an authentic thing about me anymore. At least there hadn’t been up to a year or so ago. (Is anyone else in a time warp lately!?) Now that I’m slowly finding my voice and my footing, I’ve found that all those people who were fine with me being mute and mindless are falling away. And I realize those things were empty all along. That’s a pretty painful process. And incredibly lonely. But in the end, living in your own skin is such a lovely thing.
Loving people for who they are, yet still letting them go, to be where they need to be in their own journeys, freed me from that gut fear of needing people to like me, to be worthy, and left me free from most anger and gave me a peace I haven’t had in years. So I am grateful…to all of them. Even the ones I’ve loved the most who feel I’m no longer worthy of their affections, their time, or even a second thought. The ones closest to my heart were the hardest. It was like the universe set up the whole awakening course and tore the layers off one by one until there was nothing left but raw core. Now is the rebuilding. And the rebuilding goes back to the beginning…with the art.
So if you’re still around, checking in, or, if we’ve just become friends, please bear with me. I appreciate you more than I can ever say.
Sending love,
xo
